Ran away from home

to wild and crazy Ohio.

Ohio might not be the most entertaining state in the union, but it does have the best place out there to ride roller coasters, so Mom and I hit the road.

We shall be zooming til we puke!

(Probably not, actually, as neither of us are prone to pukiness, but we will try)

Love this country

It's a beautiful day and I woke up to blue skies and sunshine.  Of course, when you've come to Michigan via Iraq and Texas, sunny beautiful days aren't to be trusted - one grows used to them being hotter than a Birmingham steel mill.  But I walked outside and...78, 80 degrees?  Fabulous.

Since I'm hanging out at Mom's place (more of a treehouse with internet connectivity and available takeout than Dad's hollow tree), we toddled off to the local farmer's market.

Mmm...blueberries.  Once, when I was a small child, I partook so enthusiastically in fresh blueberries that I ended up vomiting in the middle of the night.  According to Mom, at first blush, yakked blueberries are dark enough to cause a young mother to mistake them for blood. 

The farmer's market, in addition to being full of awesomely scrumptious things, is colorful.

And not just pretty food.

But, best of all about the farmer's market is hoovering up the goodies afterward.  Tomato + toast + mayo + salt = pure, unadulterated awesome.

You could ask me how many tomato sandwiches I've eaten today, but I would totally lie to you.

Irrational Fears

Dad’s got hummingbirds around the house.  I like hummingbirds as much as the next person, but they worry me a little.  They way they zoom around reminds me of bumblebees, which tend to not have the best navigational skills and occasionally smack into you.  I can’t quite escape the vision of one of these tiny bird smacking into my head and embedding its beak in my skull.

 

As the daughter of an ER nurse, I’ve imagined several times how that visit would play out.  “Yes, I’m fairly certain my insurance will cover the removal of this bird from my left temple…”

Scenery

This is really probably the nicest time of year up here.  Everything is green - it's shocking how green when you've been so long someplace that is almost entirely dirt-colored.  It's been a wet summer, and not a very hot one, either.

So the water is good in the river, and the trees are...well, somewhere between healthy and out of control.

I'm fairly certain one of these trips up here I'll find that Dad's place has been entirely overrun by giant oak trees and aggressive squirrels.  I sit out here on the back porch (where I can kinda get some internet signal, sometimes) and listen to things falling through the oak canopy.  There's never any way of knowing whether it's just a limb, or perhaps a poorly balanced possum, since it's just a sea of green.

What's funny is that in just a couple of months, the view from back here will enable one to sit and watch deer cross the field 500 yards away.  Today they could be camped 25 feet from where I'm sitting and I'd have no clue.

Ahh....

I made it successfully to Hollow Tree, Michigan, where I received the World’s Most Enthusiastic Dog Greeting. 

 

That was, of course, after swinging by the hospital to see Mom (interrupting her workday, so my apologies to anyone who may have had a near-death experience in Barry County today – your care may have been quicker if I hadn’t stopped to hug my Mom, but that wasn’t going to happen). 

 

Jack did get to me before my Dad, but I got some good hugs from him, to (unlike the lab, Dad did not pee on my foot.  Appreciate that, Dad).

Observations from the road

It doesn't matter where I am or where I'm going, I'm going to leave my cell phone charger plugged into a hotel room wall somewhere.  [sigh]  Gotta find an AT&T store tomorrow...

Iraq wins.  I'm in Springfield, Illinois tonight (the Fun Capitol Of Middle Illinois!), and it was about 68 degrees when I checked into my room.  I immediately turned the heat on.

There's always someone creepy sort lurking around the parking lot that causes me to have to sclepp a footloacker of handguns, ammo and other heavy stuff into my room rather than lock it in my (soft top) vehicle.  Thanks, tweaker chick.  That's really alright, because that's one police report I do not want to deal with...actually, officer, it wasn't a handgun that was stolen...

Those highway worker awareness signs?  "Hit a worker - $10,000 fine and 14 years in jail!"  They make me think of pulling over, striding up to some road worker and punching him in the nose.  14 years in jail?  Probably not.  Ass-whipping of a lifetime?  Much more likely.

How is it the instant I left the ExMister all my to-go sippy coffee cups, there are none to be found at any gas station I stop at?  Can you imagine how any times I sloshed scalding coffee into my crotch today?  It's a matter of public safety, folks.

Updates from the road

The Jeep is handling surprisingly well with the trailer - I'd say the greatest issue is the spastic driver, but I'm relaxing some.  This may be the only time on pavement I've ever used first gear, though.

In other news, I still can't stand Oklahoma.  I'm sure someone likes it here, and they'll have no competition for vacation rentals or retirement property from yours truly.  Hard to say if I'll make Michigan tomorrow, but I put some good miles in today.

The adventure continues.

Plans

Because at this point we're co-dependent and confused with all this time on our hands, my entire team is meeting up tomorrow for a meat-and-beer festival.

And beforehand?  At least three quarters of us are going to the funshow.

Look out, North Texas - we could have flashbacks at any point and start asking about the state of your local water distribution!

Winning (slowly)

I found and procured a trailer - found one used and saved a little money that way.  The masking tape is defeating me soundly, and the pile of stuff has grown to point of fitting-all-that-in-there-is-going-to-be-an-adventure.

The party never ends, folks.

It can happen

You know all those people who say it's impossible to have too many guns, or too much ammo? 

Take it from someone who's building a giant pile of all her earthly possessions out in the garage - there is such a thing as "enough."  And I think I may be there.  I really don't even have that many firearms and my ammo stash is decidedly amatuer - I have no idea how the folks with big collections ever move.

Alright - I'm off to discover either another random duffle bag full of greenish crap or another random box of 7.62x39...

Ahhh...

waking up in a real bed, putting on real, normal people clothes and taking a shower without wearing shoes to do it.

It's a good feeling.

Super Fabulous

In a note for my military folks, the USO at the Phildelphia airport is one of the nicest I've ever been to. It's a reasonably new facility, with bunkrooms (with sheets, blankets and pillows), a room with fabulously comfy chairs and a bigscreen TV for movies, a couple of video game stations (with the some large, gorgeous flatscreen TV), and working computers with an excellent internet connection.

If you find yourself killing six hours here (or, like a few of our guys, a night), it's just what the doctor ordered. It's in Terminal A - just follow the signs.

I've always been a fan of the USO, but this one rated a special mention. There was a very nice big German Shepherd here earlier, but he seemed to belong to an Air Force guy. A permanent USO Dog is probably about the only thing this place is lacking.

And yes - me chilling at the airport means I'm very, very close to being liberated.

Things Abby actually DOES miss about Iraq

OK – there’s really only one.  FREE WATER.  There’s a lot of bottled water in Iraq.  And when I say “a lot,” I mean…well, a bunch.  And you drink it all the time.  And wherever you go, there’s a package/cooler/pallet of water and you’re allowed to take as much as you want.  If it’s in a cooler, it’s polite to replace what you take.

 

There are no giant piles of free bottled water around this base.  Which is kinda cruel, as the entire section of the base devoted to demobilization is populated by wilted-looking soldiers in grungy uniforms grumbling about paying $1.25 for a water from a machine.

Home (not even a little) free

The only thing better than stepping off the the plane in the USA is stepping of the plane in the USA after a 14-hour flight and immediately being bussed to a briefing wherein you are told you are still not allowed to have a beer, wear civilian clothes, leave post or drive a car and will suffer great and terrible punishments if you do.

Fort Dix - the only thing that can be said for this place is it's not Iraq.

I must simply state

That the most awesome plane ride in the world is the one that takes
you OUT of Iraq. We're not back on American soil yet, but I've now
checked off the second tour where I got out of that country with all
MY fingers and toes, and all my Joes are healthy and riding the plane
home with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is a win.

PSA for my Iraq readers

We sent Bossman back to the States very recently to set the conditions for our return. As he was stranded at another major base on his way out, he heard that Navy Customs in Kuwait was taking all auto-opening knives, even those we'd been issued on previous tours (as opposed to any we may have purchased at AAFES locations this tour).

Rumor has it, this can be memoed away. However...none of our people know the specifics of such a memo. Company level, battalion level, brigade...it's a mystery. As we all know, standing in the Customs warehouse and being told you should have gotten a memo from the first O6 in your chain of command is not exactly useful.

Being a clever man (as well as one who'd picked up several auto-opening knives while here, at least one of which was horrifyingly expensive), the Bossman beat feet to the FedEx terminal and launched all but one of his home.

Although it was an issued knife, Navy Customs took that from him as he passed through Kuwait.

But I got an email from the Boss today - his knives made it home.

Several of us took ours over and boxed them up. Three pocket knives, Iraq to Texas...$63. Steep, but compared to the replacement cost... It's food for thought if you happen to be at (or can get to) on of the bases with FedEx services.

I apologize for the lack of complete list of such facilities here in Iraq, but the although DHL has a comprehensive list, FedEx doesn't. I think it's a pretty safe bet that where there's one, there's the other. Food for thought if you've got several folks with such knives and no time to figure out the memo mystery.

Peer pressure

There are certain things that, when surrounded by a group of guys, one should never point out on Ebay.

For instance, certain pieces of whimsical interior decor.



You're single now, they said. You can hang whatever you want on your walls. And that squirrel is cool as shit.

[sigh]

The things I do to boost the morale of the troops. I now own that stuffed squirrel. Don't despair, though - I left some equally fabulous ones still out there.

Top Ten Things That Abby Won’t Miss About Iraq

10 – Chicken. With rice.

9 – Wearing long pants, boots, a t-shirt and a jacket. In the Middle East. In the summer. If you’re going outside the wire, you can exchange the t-shirt and jacket for a long-sleeve fire-retardant shirt , body armor and gloves.

8 – Fleas.

7 – Clear eye protection. We may all be volunteers, but none of us wanted to grow up and look like seventh-grade shop students whenever the sun goes down.

6 – Endless NCO meetings devoted to deciphering the latest memo from yet another sergeant major with nothing better to do than send out strongly worded but vague policy statements on the wear of the fleece cap.

5 – The 200 yard trudge through the dark to the shower trailer. Hell, the shower trailer. I never took any pictures because they would have made you vomit. And the female shower trailer was the good one.

4 – Weird demands from company headquarters to complete online certifications on systems we couldn’t access. Increasingly hostile messages from company ignoring all appeals for some sort of guidance on access issues.

3 – Observing the effects of Army chow on everyone else’s gastrointestinal systems every time you visit the green closet.

2 – Microgrants. God, I hate microgrants. You would hate them, too, if you were familiar with them.

1 – Holidays with fake, contrived cheer. I’m a zillion miles away from home, sitting in the dirt for reasons that occasionally escape me. Rather than the chaplain’s brief and the UGR-A processed turkey dinner, how about a fifth of whiskey and some privacy?

Top Ten Most Painful Parts of the Redeployment Process

10 – DD 93 – the Record of Emergency data. Updated it yesterday? We don’t care – you can’t leave unless you update it here, too.

9 – Somebody told you to ship your MOLLE gear to home station? All of it? See, that’s a problem. You can either produce the flashbang grenade pouch, or we can charge you $75 for it. One or the other, but you can’t leave until you clear RFI.

8 – Flight? What flight? Who told you your unit had a flight?

7 – We know you’re only going to be at this camp for nine hours, but you need to sign for billeting and drag all your possessions to tents spread out all across Hell’s Half Acre. No, you can’t leave all your stuff and post a guard.

6 – You’re not allowed to have a beer when the plane stops in Europe, because you’re still subject to General Order 1B and you might offend Muslims.

5 – You're not authorized to drink during stateside demobilization either, because even though you’re not subject to General Order 1B anymore and you won’t offend Muslims, First Army exists to make Reservists want to desert.

4 – Halfway around the world with the world's worst travel agency. Show up for your flight six hours early at every stage and provide your own baggage handlers. Units are strongly encouraged to maximize aircraft capacity by loading the aircraft with four soldiers for every three seats.

3 – Flights home? See, it’s a Friday afternoon and the ticketing office closes early on Fridays…

2 – You can leave theater with two duffel bags, a carryon and a laptop. You can leave demob with one duffel bag and one carryon. You’re only turning in body armor.

1 – Your NCOER is signed, you’ve received your end-of-tour award, and people keep talking to you like you’re supposed to care.

Something Different

We're going to do something a little different for a bit here - I've decided to throw up some (mostly) tongue-in-cheek end-of-tour Top Ten lists. I've got a couple ready to go, and a few more in the thinking stage.

So...without further ado, I give you....

Top Ten Things Abby Will Miss About Iraq

10 – Show up to work, do nothing for a couple hours, nap and go to the gym or go drive around and get shot at. Who cares, it all pays the same!
9 – Free ammo!
8 – No need to put any thought into wardrobe planning
7 – Cool boxes of stuff from people you know (and some you don’t) show up randomly in the mail.
6 – All the free Gatorade you can drink (as long as it’s the purple kind)
5 – Covering a plastic table with foil and eating steaks off it with knives during team cookouts.
4 – Spent all day reading and smoking cigarettes? No need to feel guilty because there was nothing better you could have been doing!
3 – Finding a Rice Krispie Treat in the back of a drawer is all it takes to make a day go from sucky to super.
2 – Spending all day, every day, with three guys with whom you’ve developed enough of a comfort level that any of you will say anything. Anything.
1 – The awareness of seeing the reality on the ground, and developing an understanding beyond what’s available in soundbites.

If any of my readers might like to share their ideas about what one might miss about Iraq, please feel free to do so. We are trying to keep this light, though!