Evil supermarket...

...thy name is "Sweetbay."

Once in a while, I require a grocery-type item after 10p.m. OK - quite often, since I'm damn near nocturnal. Tonight I wanted crackers and apples and root beer.

My local Publix closes at 10, and it was 10:15. So off I went to "Sweetbay," a happy grocery store that took over a less-successul Publix and seems to be angling for a slightly snooty demographic. Whatever - you're open late, I'm there.

But Sweetbay drives me INSANE. I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around their aisle arrangement. I went there one night to buy Grape Nuts - you know, that cereal that's like eating gravel? I like it. Anyway, I wandered until I found the cereal aisle. But there were no Grape Nuts. In fact, I noticed as I trooped the cereal line, there was precious little that didn't have loops, marshmallows or free toys inside.

I was befuddled in the truest sense of the word, and was about to give up. In fact, I started wandering away. Then I saw the other side of the aisle. It even had a sign. "Adult cereal." WHAT THE HELL IS "Adult Cereal???" Bran flakes shaped like hookers? With penis-shaped marshmallows?

No - apparently "adult cereal" is gritty stuff that resembles gravel. I found my Grape Nuts.

So tonight I was looking for root beer. I found the soda aisle. And there was Barq's, and there was Mug. No A&W??? How can a damn grocery store not have A&W??? I walked back and forth, building a steady seething rage. Decided to give the Mug a shot, so I grabbed a 12-pack and turned to go...

Yep. You guess it. A&W, other side of the aisle.

You do not even want to hear about trying to figure out which "hispanic" section the tortillas are hidden in. I give up. The worst part of it is, Sweetbay is filling me with self doubt. I stand in the aisles, then whip rapidly around to ensure the item I'm after isn't lurking behind me, dagger in hand. Making me crazy...