25 August 2007

I am that person

Shortly after moving in, we either bought an object or subscribed to a service that offered a rebate in the form of a couple of Visa gift cards. Since the Mister reaped the benefits of the last gift card, these were mine.

Of course, one of them was immediately sacrificed on the ammo altar. The other, though...

Well, I can't help myself. I'm a sucker for big brown eyes.

That's right - the Dog Toy Fairy will be coming to visit. Got some Bad Cuz toys, and some Kongs.

Photos and Toy Fairy by PetSmart.

Fraud, waste and abuse

A better employee than me would never think of blogging from work. However, it's Saturday and there's really no good reason for me to be here.

Well, actually, there is. Someone has to talk to the lunatics.

Thus far I have had:
A - A team of yahoos up in New York City so lost it took two of them, in ongoing conversation with one another, to place a phone order for a single object. This is why I avoid taking calls, and why I love be a non-commissioned employee.

B - A man in California who is convinced that Federal Express is out to get him, and that the whole "came out to meet the driver while carrying a rifle" issue was one big misunderstanding. I earned my meager pay talking to this one.

C - A doctor in Florida whose expensive Box-o-Stuff is missing somewhere, and was upset because his other doctor buddy in Florida was driving up from a different city to share in the Crate-o-Goodness. He had no way to contact his buddy and tell him the box wasn't there, because apparently doctors in Florida do not have cellphones.

D - A vigorous discussion among my coworkers on whether or not selling a man a crate of soft point ammo when he'd asked for lead round nose was a Bad Thing. This discussion would have been over much more quickly if anyone working today except me knew the difference. And although my employer Shall Not Be Named On The Blog, trust me - people working here should know the difference.

Lot of crazy people out there. And lots of confused ones, too. And the most entertaining thing is - I have no clue. You call me, you can tell me anything. Chances are, I'll believe you.

Once in a while, when I get off the phone with someone, I ask myself, "was that guy totally full of it, and did I just get bent over?"

Sometimes, I'm sure the answer is yes. Sometimes even a resounding yes. But I do get the occasional call from someone, usually when I've replaced an item lost-in-shipping, to tell the original has showed up and they now have two items, but only paid for one. These folks invariably want to either send one back or pay me, which is display of integrity that often catches me off guard but is still always pleasing.

That'll do for now. If I do more posting on my employer's dime, I'll try to NOT have it be about my tiresome day.

23 August 2007

We can learn a lot...

...from the mistakes of others. So let's go right and do that, shall we?

From Arizona, we have this gem: Police: Woman Stabs Husband During Sex

This is immediately interesting, is it not? Tragic accident while gettin' their monkey on in the Bayonet Room? Nekkid Teppanyaki gone horribly awry? Or something darker, perhaps.

Well, yes. And it wasn't simply a case of...consumer dissatisfaction with the product, so to speak.

[Mrs.] Gonzales told officers [Mr.] Gonzales had left the home one month ago and ended their marriage.

Okaaay...but why is he then at said house, having sex with her?

Police said she received a telephone call from Gonzales on Tuesday morning requesting she meet him at their home to have the home appraised.

So that's why he was at the house, although it really doesn't answer the second part of the question. Let's read on, shall we?

Falon said she began to cry and Gonzales consoled her, officers said. They began kissing and she later suggested they enter the master bedroom bathroom to have sexual intercourse, according to her account.

My men are out there saying, "there's your proof that women trot out tears unfairly to trick men!" My ladies, however, are saying, "there's your proof that men are idiots when confronted with any opportunity to get some."

It goes downhill from there.

During sex, Falon reached into the duffle bag, removed the knife and stabbed him in the chest, officers said.

But now - ladies especially, pay attention!

[Mr.] Gonzales was able to flee the home.

[Mrs.] Gonzales was arrested on charges of attempted homicide. A preliminary hearing has been set for Sept. 4. She is on supervised release under an electronic monitoring program.

Do not count on killing your estranged husband with a single knife-poke while having sex in the bathroom! Effectively killing someone with a knife is harder than it seems. Either practice, or run him down with a pickup.

Less-than-positive indicators

I went to bed early last night so I could wake up at an ungodly hour and drive 38 miles for an appointment that, as it turned out, didn't happen.

Drove back like a bat out of Hell (insert appropriate Meatloaf track here) to let dogs out and avoid house pees. Good thing I came back, because the Mister and I had managed to somehow lock Jack outside this morning when we left.

[sound of head slapping into open palm]

Now I must go to the gas station (the morning's jaunt has me sucking fumes) and head to work.

This is going to be a truly outstanding day. I can tell already.

22 August 2007

Not a good start

to the day this morning. Blogger was being posessed, so I went out in the yard for a smoke. I'd just finished running, and was wearing a tank top. As I stood there, a honeybee landed in my armpit. I tried to brush it off, and was stung in an act of wholly uncalled for bee aggression.

So I left for work. Some mornings, one should not strive to accomplish much.

20 August 2007

Something for everyone...

Today I got a package of stuff I'd ordered. In the package was the usual assortment of flyers and ads and all that good stuff. Including one for a particularly sacchrine plate featuring a big-eyed Maltese puppy. Another insert advertised an odd bust of bulldog/man with a Marine Corps theme.

That's right, gang. I got the Bradford Exchange flyers.

Let me tell you...no matter what floats your boat, these folks have some sort of odd knicknack to fit.

Into unicorns? The Bradford Exchange people got your back.

Follow a vision to the fairy realm, to a magical place of wonder. Here a beautiful princess, along with a trio of sprites and a mystical unicorn, suddenly appear under a trail of glistening stardust. This Bradford Exchange collector plate is a dream come true.

But what if your thing isn't unicorns? What if you're more like me, and you're into...I dunno...real critters? Gotcha covered there, too. Let's see...we have a Yorkie, and we're mildly fond of him. What do we have in Yorkie Paraphenelia?

It's the World's Ugliest Clock! With a Yorkie! Or, to hear the Bradford Exchange folks tell it...

Yorkies are an adorable breed! With their sweet personalities, long hair, black button nose and dark, inquisitive eyes, they quickly melt your heart and become your best friend for life. Now, you can be reminded of your forever love for the special Yorkie in your life with a stunning collectible Yorkie mantel clock, set in a porcelain sculpted case and adorned with adorable Yorkie portraiture by acclaimed canine artist Michael Vistia.

It occurs to me that Michael Vistia probably did this particular object de art and then quietly went out in the yard and shot himself.

But what if you're not into unicorns or dogs, but are instead a more patriotic sort? Well, that's when the really odd stuff comes out. We got this option:

It's described as, "a patriotic tour de force." Well, that's sure one way of looking at it. Listen, I love the Marine Corps like only a true convert can, but this thing? Not in my house.

But if that's a little too serious for you...

Oh, Cousin R! Is that a Christmas gift waiting to happen or what? Ahem...

Set sail on the open road with this handsome U.S. Navy collectible teddy bear figurine! He's lookin' cool in his casual yet crisp white t-shirt, sailor's cap and blue jeans - check out those shades! And every biker bear knows there's no better way to see the country he serves than from the seat of a tricked out motorcycle - this one is loaded with "chrome" trim, cool anchor-motif wheels, and a dashing anchor emblem on the gas tank!

Most horrifying is that I think there's one for each service.

But, of course, there is always one object that even the most ornery of us would buy. In my case?

'Cause shepherds rock.

Like roaches

My sincere apologies to any readers who may have been looking for links to slot machines, free discount viagra, or anything of the sort.

While I've been drinking beer and talking fishing with Dad, apparently the Random Letter Login Spammers dropped by. That's irritating, and so I whacked them.

More later, when there's no beer to drink and we've told all the Fish Stories.