If you're not following this news story...

you're just WRONG.

Christopher Gay's cross-country escape has been like...some kind of white trash epic.

So this dude's gettin moved by the prison system from Texas from Alabama. Somehow, he escapes in South Carolina. He stole a truck when he escaped. It seems he then went to Tennessee, where he stole an 18-wheeler, which he drove to Alabama to visit his dying mother,

After that, he (it seems) returned to Tennessee, where he stole a tour bus belonging to Crystal Gayle. Now he seems to be in Florida. How do we know he's in Florida?

He showed up at some "speedway" in Lakeland. A "speedway," is apparently a place where the sort of people who enjoy NASCAR hang out. Some real sharp guy who runs the speedway decided Mr. Gay did not seem to be who he said he was - he was claiming to be there to pick up Tony Stewart. So Mr. Gay took his stolen tour bus and left the area. The Florida cops are now looking for him.

Yet more proof that just about everything tacky, absurd and sad eventually ends up here. Because Florida is the land of tacky, absurd and sad.

But this - this seriously sounds like a David Allan Coe song.