Red Hot Poker - Election '08

Oh, God, it's starting.

Let's get this straight RIGHT NOW.

I am not a Republican. Yes, yes, I know. I'm a military type and I'm a gun nut. But that's about it.

I am not a Democrat. Yes, yes, I know. I'm pro-choice and I hug trees. But that's about it.

If the Republican Party disengaged itself from the unholy act of fellatio it's been performing on the religious reactionaries since the 80s, I could grow to like the party. I don't see any sign of that happening.

And the Democrats? Listen - legislation is very rarely the solution to anything. I oppose the nanny state. Wholeheartedly.

However, I am keenly, deeply, personally committed to and interested in the security of our nation. I believe in killing the living shit out of any person, group, nation or entity that threatens the ability of my fellow Americans to live in peace.

I will not support any candidate who advocates cutting and running from Iraq. I will not support any candidate who advocates negotiating with Iran and Syria before those countries put whacking Hezbollah on the table.

But check it out - I am not afraid anyone is going to take my guns in the next eight years. Nor am I afraid that anyone is going to overturn Roe V. Wade and make the missionary position with the lights out and everyone's eyes closed the only legal sexual option.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I think I am the center. I am the great, undecided masses. I vote. I always vote.

So who's my man? Or woman?

I dunno yet. Bill Richardson intrigues me on the Democratic side. McCain and Duncan Hunter intrigue me on the right. Newt Gingrich is a very smart man. Hillary is a very smart woman.

Barack Obama makes my blood run cold. I will never vote for John Kerry. John Edwards has great hair, and that's about it. Dennis Kucinich is always good for a laugh (followed by a shudder). Wes Clark appears to be insane, judging from that weird, ill-advised run he made last time.

Sam Brownback creeps me out. As does Mike Huckabee. Huckabee sounds like a nice guy, but I have that feeling he'd make me wear a house dress and have babies. And then insist they pray in school. Mitt Romney is Mormon, and I'm afraid of Mormons.

Giuliani could be intriguing, but voting for an anti-gun Republican strikes me as about as logical as voting for a democrat who wants to pass weird abortion legislation and drill in ANWR.

And don't talk to me about Ron Paul. That's not gonna happen. Although a general election that was between Al Sharpton and Ron Paul would be a hoot.

More on this as time passes, of course. I advise all the Bad Dog faithful to start doing your homework now. This will be an important election, and it will be in our best interests to force both parties to produce a GOOD, VIABLE, SMART candidate at the end of the primary process.