Stealing a meme

...from Rachel Lucas, because my Inspiration Meter is bottomed-out.

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
WHAT INSULTING NICKNAMES WERE YOU CALLED IN CHILDHOOD? Dude...y'all know my name. Crabby Abby, Gabby Abby, Flabby Abby (although I was not a pudgy child)...alas, nobody ever called me "Stabby Abby," which would have been kinda cool.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? WHEN YOU CRY, DO YOU LOOK UGLY, OR DOES IT GIVE YOU A BEAUTIFUL SAD GLOW? Ugly. There's no such thing as beautiful crying. That's why I try not to do it.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? ARE YOU FORGETTING HOW TO WRITE BECAUSE YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THE COMPUTER? That's not a problem for me - my handwriting has always sucked. I simply print now - my third grade teacher would be appalled at how much I do not use the cursive skills she so thoroughly beat into me.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? DO YOU THINK VEGETARIANS ARE INSANE? (BECAUSE THEY ARE.) No. Just misguided. But that's okay, because it means more meat for me.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? DO YOU LIKE KIDS? IF SO, WHY? WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD? We've been over this.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WOULD YOU LICK YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD? DON'T TRY TO DENY IT. Yes. Constantly. I'd be that dog that embarassed you and which you lock in the back room when there's company over.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? ARE YOU AS FRIGHTENED OF CLOWNS AS YOU SHOULD BE IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU? Yes. I'm the fourth clown-hating female generation of my family. And we're all alive. And we all still hate clowns. Even my 104 year-old great grandmother.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? IF YOU COULD BE EITHER VERY BEAUTIFUL OR VERY SMART, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WHY? Very beautiful. I've been reasonably bright for a while now, and that hasn't done a whole lot for me. So I think it would be fun to be reasonably hot for a while.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? HOW MUCH MONEY WOULD YOU REQUIRE TO HAVE INTIMATE RELATIONS WITH MICHAEL MOORE OR ROSIE O'DONNELL (DEPENDING ON YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER WITH THESE TWO)? Let's see...a night at a decent beachfront hotel in the Keys runs about $200. I can consume $200 in booze and chow in beachfront bars in 24 hours. Add in $100 a day for smokes and gas... We'll say $500 a day minimum to hide out in the islands, plus a little for fishing and boat rentals and such... 500 x 90 days is $45,000...plus say $10,000 for the incidentals...that's $55,000...plus another $50,000 to take care of my bills and responsibilities while I'm livin' the dream...that's a little more than $100,000....double that so I don't come off sounding TOO easy...add a little for the horror...call it a quarter million, and Michael has to bring the quart of whiskey.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CUSS WORD? I love them all. Every single goddam one of them.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?IF YOU'RE A MAN, HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT YOUR JUNK IN YOUR ZIPPER? HOW BAD DID IT HURT? IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, HOW GLAD ARE YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT A MAN? I dunno. Pantyhose suck ass. Then again, we don't have to wear ties. Then again, they don't have to wear heels. It's a wash.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO GROW OLD OR DIE TRAGICALLY YOUNG? I don't think about it a whole lot these days. However, I'm reasonably sure it won't be anywhere nearly as dramatic as we all like to think of our deaths as being. I'm thinking starving to death trapped beneath a bookcase I tip onto myself, then having my corpse devoured by stray dogs. Or something like that.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? DESCRIBE YOUR MOST RECENT NIGHTMARE. I don't have nightmares. I haven't had them in years. I occasionally dream about something unpleasant, but I don't wake up afraid. Sometimes sad, never afraid.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? DO YOU WISH THAT, INSTEAD OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION DEBATES, THEY INSTEAD HAD TO BOX EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THEN THERE'D NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE? I wish the debates were moderated by some crotchety old lady who would simply slap a candidate each time he/she sidestepped a question or repeated a meaningless soundbite. Or...how about if all the candidates had to have four drinks right before walking onstage? THAT would be interesting.

RED OR PINK? ABBA: THE BLONDE OR THE BRUNETTE? Huh?

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? WHAT DISEASE DO YOU MOST FEAR CONTRACTING? I dunno. But as a child I always wanted to contract malaria, because it seemed to be a disease only suffered by intrepid explorers of weird and wild places.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? WHO DO YOU MISS THE LEAST? The reason I don't keep a specific hate list on the blog is because once I start, I don't think I'll ever stop.

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE SHOPPING FOR NEW CLOTHES (10 BEING SO MUCH YOU'D RATHER CLEAN THE CAT BOX WITH YOUR BARE HANDS). Depends on the clothes. If we're talking about Columbia shirts and park ranger shorts, I enjoy it. If it's "grownup clothes," well, show me the catbox.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE BEFORE THE LAST TIME YOU THREW UP? I dunno, but I'd had a bottle of red Gatorade shortly. That I remember.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? NAME FIVE "CLASSIC" POPULAR SONGS YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HEAR AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE. Hotel California. Times five.

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WHICH BREED WOULD YOU BE? Hmm...what's like a Rottweiler, but less effective? Some vicious terrier, I'm afraid.

FAVORITE SMELLS? FAVORITE BODILY FUNCTION? (COUGH, SNEEZE, BELCH, POOP, FART, YAWN, ETC) I love a good sneeze.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A HUGE FIGHT WITH, WHAT WAS THE FIGHT ABOUT, AND WHO WON? Duh. I'm married. Once you're married, it's just many variations on the same fight, and nobody ever wins.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? AS WE ALL KNOW, PRO FOOTBALL IS THE ONLY SPORT WORTH CARING ABOUT. IN LIGHT OF THAT FACT, WHO IS THE BEST NFL QUARTERBACK OF THE LAST 10 YEARS? BEST RUNNING BACK? BEST WIDE RECEIVER? BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER? BIGGEST PRIMA DONNA? WHINIEST BITCH? I've moved too much in the last ten years to have kept up on football. I prefer baseball, anyway. Football is fine, but it just requires no real...discipline to be a fan.

HAIR COLOR?? BALD MEN ARE VERY SEXY. DISCUSS. It's hard to tell - lots of the bald guys I know probably aren't bald - they're just military guys who shave their heads. I think it runs about 50/50 sexy/goofy.

EYE COLOR? THE INVENTION OF THE PILL IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO BELIEVE IN GOD. DISCUSS. Agreed. I'm not entirely sure I'm a big fan of all the hormone-based stuff, but the whole birth control concept is fabulous. Plus, there's a certain type of person that is driven to distraction by the idea of women having sex and enjoying it, and even more insane by the idea that these women are having this sex and NOT having babies. Driving that group of people nuts is also wonderful.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? DO YOU HAVE PERFECT VISION? IF SO, RACHEL LUCAS ENVIES YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND GALAXIES. Actually, yeah. I do. 20/20 at every test from childhood til now. But my time is running out. Mom and Dad both ended up with glasses around 40, and I'm pretty sure I'm on the same track.

FAVORITE FOOD? FOOD YOU FIND SO REPUGNANT THAT YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE OTHER PEOPLE PUT IT IN THEIR MOUTHS? Those jelly beans that aren't fruit flavors, but spices. There aren't many foods I'll spit out - those I will. Clove-flavored jelly beans? Who the fuck thought that up?

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES AND THE JERK BEHIND YOU KICKS YOUR SEAT CONSTANTLY, DO YOU IGNORE/MOVE OR DO YOU CHALLENGE THEM TO FISTICUFFS? I'm getting a little meaner as I get older. I turn around and scold these days. I jumped out of the truck and gave some young asshole a stern talking-to the other night after he threw a soda cup out the window. This will probably get me shot some day.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED THAT MADE YOU GET ON YOUR KNEES AFTERWARDS AND BEG GOD TO GIVE YOU THE LAST TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE BACK? I dunno. I don't watch a lot of movies, and the ones I do I watch mostly at home. If they suck, I read. I watched that new Pixar one with the rats the other night.

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? DO YOU EVER PUT CLOTHES ON YOUR PETS? Yep. Just the rat dog. But he has a Hawaiian (sp?) shirt, a Bush/Cheney '04 shirt, and a Vikings jersey.

SUMMER OR WINTER? BEER, WINE, OR LIQUOR? D - all of the above. On the same night if I'm on a roll.

HUGS OR KISSES? FALL ASLEEP OR CUDDLE? Check to make sure the little dog at the foot of the bed didn't get hurt.

FAVORITE DESSERT? FAVORITE FOOD THAT YOU KNOW WILL KILL YOU EVENTUALLY BUT YOU DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO FREAKING DELICIOUS? Bacon cheeseburgers. But a life without them is a life I don't want to live.

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DISGUSTED BY A BOOK'S ENDING THAT YOU VIOLENTLY DESTROYED THE BOOK? Yes, but you know what? I cannot for the life of me remember which book - just the rage.

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? DO YOU HAVE P0RN ON YOUR COMPUTER? DON'T LIE. Okay. I won't.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? TRUE OR FALSE: "REALITY" T.V. IS THE BEST REASON FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD TO HATE AMERICA. True.

FAVORITE SOUND? FAVORITE DRUNKEN SLATTERN: PARIS, LINDSEY, OR BRITNEY? I'm not sure if it's brunette solidarity or what, but I find Lindsey's bad behavior much less tiresome than the other two. They seem like career whores, Lindsey seems to be an ass just like any of us would have been at her age with that kind of money and fame.

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? MOST DESERVING OF CHUCK-NORRIS-STYLE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE THROAT: AL GORE OR JESSE JACKSON? You know, I kinda like Al Gore, to be honest. He's like that neighbor who goes on and on about the paperboy throwing his paper in the bushes. And Jesse Jackson? Well, he read Green Eggs and Ham once on Saturday Night Live, thus redeeming himself for all eternity. It was that good. I want to kick Wolf Blitzer in the teeth, though.

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? WHAT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK? 'FESS UP. Absolutely nothing exciting. Seriously.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? IF YOU COULD HAVE MAD SKILLZ IN DANCING OR IN SINGING, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD IT BE FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL SATISFACTION OR TO IMPRESS OTHER PEOPLE AND POSSIBLY GET SOME ACTION? I think it would be a hoot to be able to dance well. I can't even dance badly, and really, it's not something that seems learnable. But I wish I could.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?? IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD YOU USE IT FOR GOOD OR EVIL? I'm dull beyond belief. I just wanna be able to fly. I don't have much of a capacity for evil, but I'd probably use my power mostly to entertain myself.

WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? IF YOU NEVER SEE ANOTHER Q&A MEME AGAIN, WILL IT BE TOO SOON? Yes, it will. But this gave me something to do this evening beyond just fondling my guns and smoking in the garage.

Wow - that was a couple hours of my life. I think this will be the last time I do that whole line-through-text thing. But if I'd had to dream up a topic on my own, I think it would have been hateful.