Setting the conditions

So, in my ongoing attempt to let you all know far more than you want about the mundane details of our Bad Dog lives...

We've located a realtor in DFW who's married to one of Mr. Abby's future colleagues. Since I'll be the one headed out there first, and since my cellphone is the only phone number of ours that won't change with the move, I get to communicate with her.

(Keep in mind, of course, that my social skills are so lacking that I normally do not communicate with anyone on behalf of our family. It's better that way)

So I sent her the Exhaustive List of Criteria. We're going to have to locate a house by the first week of June, then arrange for closing so the Man, the Beasts, and the Children will have someplace to live when they show up. The List is...impressive. There are lots of homes for sale in the greater Fort Worth area, we can actually afford quite a few of them, and so we figure offering details about our desires will help us see what we want.

At the end of the List, after such important matters as yard requirements, flooring, bedrooms, bathrooms, and such, came the one I knew would be difficult. There will be, Abby declared, absolutely no homeowner's associations or anything of that sort. None.

So, the World's Cheeriest Realtor called me.

"Well, lots of the homes here have HOAs," she explained. "But we should be able to find something. I didn't want one, and managed to find something, so..."

"Good," I said. "I like to grow cherry tomatoes in pots on my front step. And I might want to put out some concrete yard gnomes."

I said it, and I do like to grow cherry tomatoes (even though the last time I did it Casey ate them all off the bush a day or two before I could pick them). But mostly...I just hate the concept.

I grew up in the midwest, where we likes us our property rights. The idea of some group of lawn fascists trotting around bitching about my bird feeders...I think it's best for all involved if we end up with a non-HOA place.

I recently perused HOAs on the internet to get a sense of what sort of "covenants" they had. Ick. Beyond all the shit about the color of your home and seeking permission to plant/prune/cut foliage... One place had a clause, and I didn't bookmark it so I can't route you there...basically, it said you could not have any lawn ornament in your front yard exceeding 12 inches in height (unless, of course, you petitioned the Lords of the Manor). You could, however, have whatever sub-12-inch lawn ornaments you wanted if you had a properly planted flowerbed and the ornaments were confined within it.

That would tempt me mightily to find a souce for 11.875-inch plastic flamingos in a various bright colors and carpet my flowerbed with them.

I don't think I have the appropriate sense of humor for an HOA, so I'm just not going to look at those houses.

By the way - I don't have any lawn ornaments. Nor can I imagine ever putting one in my yard. But you know what? I buy the damn place, I certainly intend to preserve that as an option.